Shy

I am shy. I don't talk a lot in the company of people and I don't normally stand up for myself in public situations and I let people treat me as their conscience will allow. Many people don’t understand shyness in general, or why I am quiet and I have constantly been told I should change, which I do not like. Today I was able to articulate one cause for my shyness:

I was waiting at the bus stop on my way to visit someone. As the bus was approaching the bus stop, it appeared that the bus driver was not going to stop to pick me up, although it was obvious I was standing there waiting for her bus. Sometimes the bus drivers here do that, giving you the feeling that they don't want to pick you up and that you are burdening them by "making" them pick you up. I think if you would not stick out your hand to flag them down, they would drive right past you – in fact, on a rare occasion, they have been known to drive right past you even when you try to flag them down.

Since the bus driver today did not want to pick me up, I realized she must be in a foul mood. The feeling I got from her lingered in me after I got on the bus. As the bus approached the stop I was going to get off at, I pushed the button which lets the driver know I wanted to get off there, however, as it was, someone had already pushed the button. I personally don't normally make this mistake, but it is nonetheless a regular occurrence that someone may push the button after it has already been pushed – normally nobody notices or cares. However, this bus driver not only noticed, she scolded me. She just spoke out loud to me in a stern, annoyed tone telling me that if the button has already been pushed, I don't have to push it again. Inside of me I was stung once again by the cold harsh feeling of living in this country.

As I got off the bus, I felt so bad. I thought to myself, "What did she get out of that? Did it make her feel better? Did trying to make me feel bad make her feel better?" After getting off the bus, I began walking. Having completely forgotten about where I was going and what I was doing there, in my mind I began trying to understand the usefulness in her behavior and I suddenly became aware of how feelings linger in me after I have an interaction with a person. This is one reason why I am shy and I don't like to interact with people, if it can be avoided.

I realize that it is incidents like this that bring much of the emotional stress I experience to my daily life. The feelings from interactions I have with people linger in me and I ponder the incident long after it has occurred. I ponder my part in it, I ponder the other person's behavior and I ponder their words, I ponder the feelings I felt from them – and I ponder these things because their feelings linger in me, like a bitter aftertaste on the tongue. This is why I don't like to leave home or be among people. This is why I prefer my solitude and I keep myself safe from people in my home.